daddy: we have to get ready so we can get back in time for the parade.
8yo: we have 3 hours until the parade, plenty of time.
daddy: actually, you have to shower, change, get back, park, walk….. in reality, we have like… 10 minutes to get ready.
8yo: I recommend…mass panic.
daddy [nearly drives off the road laughing]
showed 5yo the Kmart commercial that everyone is freaking out about. [yeah, I’m a horrible mom. bite me.]
anyway, her impression: I like that show. they are lumberjacks. [giggling]
5yo: yes, because that’s what they do. dance.
me: she makes my brain hurt.
5yo: [talking really loudly]
daddy: you need to keep it down.
5yo: but when you talk loudly….
daddy: yes, but I’m allowed. I’m a grown up.
8yo: yeah, kids gotta learn to keep the volume down. unfortunately I’ve been hearing lectures about that for EIGHT YEARS.
daddy: unfortunately, we’ve needed to give those lectures for 8 years.
8yo: [rolls eyes]
5yo: mama, WHAT is in your backpack?
daddy: a small child.
5yo: [gapes, speechless]
daddy: what are you doing?
5yo: cl..ap..ping……. because I can feel my underwear.
me: [drops head and shakes it sadly]
daddy: [sighing] well at least that means you haven’t lost it.
5yo: actually, I can only feel my bum.
8yo: I’m taking pictures with my photographic memory. and my mouth is printing them out. [making buh buh buh noises]
8yo to 5yo: vacations are where siblings bond. [hugs her]
this would have been adorable if they hadn’t been fighting 3 seconds before this.
8yo [reading signs]: veterans memorial. we could go there.
5yo: but we don’t have any pets.
5yo: i know something that’s made up. there are some people who say lightning is caused by the lightning queen, that she uses it to zap angels who are good — like us — and that’s why it’s FAKE. and the thunder queen makes thunder, and the rain queen makes rain. and boys think – here’s what boys think. boys think that thunder is made by the thunder KING, and rain is made by the rain king, and that……all the weather things are made by kings. and that’s wrong. and that there are princesses and princes and kings and queens, and that’s why it’s fake, and they know that, and that’s why they forgot. [big smile]
me [having just woken up]: [brain explodes]
8yo [talking to someone]: don’t worry, I’ll have a cell phone by middle school.
me: you might have one, but mama will lock it down do you can only call us or emergency.
8yo: [rolls eyes at me]
me: yeah,I know. parents take all the fun out of everything.
8yo: yeah, it happens that way sometimes.
me and person she is talking to crack up
5yo has now declared herself to be drama princess junior [her name] gigglepants
the conversation i just had with my 8yo included the phrases “i felt like i was going to defy the laws of gravity” and “look at this fabulous outhouse i just built.”
my kids are making butt impressions on the fogged up shower curtain, if you were wondering how my friday night is going so far.