6yo: mama, i want to tell you something that happened on the playground that you will want to know about.
me [wary since she often tells me things i so do not want to know about]: will i really want to know about this?
6yo: yes, you will.
me: are you sure??
me [sighing]: okay, what?
6yo: there was a dead squirrel on the ground and one of the kids touched it.
9yo: and now they have cooties. or rabies!!!!
me: …that is exactly the kind of thing I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! especially while i’m eating dinner.
6yo [giggling]: how am i supposed to know that?
me: [drops head onto table]
daddy nicknamed the 6yo varmint when she was about 6 months old. she has totally lived up to this name. however, recently he decided that she has a new nickname……wait for it…… honey badger. as in honey badger don’t give a shit. bwahahahaha yes, it’s totally not right. but it’s probably pretty accurate at this stage.
we enter sports bar-type restaurant.
9yo: look! a giant flat screen TV! ! my dream for my bedroom, along with a hot tub, chandelier, and a water slide.
me: you’d need a much much bigger room. ….
9yo: while I’m at school, pikachu chills out and holds a karaoke party in my closet.
p.s. if you do not know who pikachu is, then according to my daughter, you are lame. but I’ll help you out.
p.p.s. he goes with us everywhere. *sigh*
6yo: look, mama, there’s a blimp in the sky.
me: I think that’s an airplane. it’s moving too fast for a blimp. blimps are slow.
6yo [holding hand up in front of face and moving it slowly] : look, my hand’s a blimp.
me: [drops head and shakes it]
9yo to 6yo: stop fluffing my face
9yo: picture day is the last week of sept.
daddy: ok, i’ll be sure to dress up.
me: me too. i think i’ll wear bunny ears.
9yo: that’s enough to make me want to rip off my underwear.
daddy and me: ???
family watching Gator game.
9yo: look at that player. he’s got a personal license plate! cool!
daddy: um, that’s a kidney protector…
me: [cracking up]
6yo [lying on the floor with her legs up over her head]: i have a new friend on my bum. johnny applebum.
6yo: he keeps my bum from getting hurt when i land….or sit….or fall….
me: [shaking head sadly]
6yo: it’s number 34 on the list of weird things i do.
me:….that list is much much longer than 34.
came home and went into playroom to say hi to kids.
9yo: hey, i’m just chillin in my underwear.
me: alrighty then [turns around and leaves room]
the whole family walking back from open house at school. in the midst of talking about teachers and projects….
9yo: when Santa is not delivering presents, he is blogging.
me: [thinking how tf did Santa get into this conversation??]
9yo [holding one large bean bag in front of her and one behind]: look how i’m going to be, mama. i’m beanburger. as in beanbag burger. i narrowed it to beanburger so it wouldn’t sound weird.
eating at a restaurant.
6yo: i’m old. my knees are growing white hair.