whose kid is this?

daddy:  what is that noise?

10yo: it is rain, father.

daddy: …… ok…daughter.

10yo: surely you must have learned about this when you were young.

me:  whose child are you?

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never ask my kids to tell you a story

last night, while i was making cookies, 10yo decided she would tell 7yo and me a story.  it went something like this:

10yo:  once upon a time, there was nothing to say.  the end.

me:  um, that kinda sucked as a story.  [7yo agreed]

10yo:  fine.  i’ll do it again.

after about 3 more tries where the story gets marginally longer but still manages to say nothing, 10yo enlists the help of 7yo to act out this story.

10yo:  once upon a time [7yo points to wrist like a watch], in a galaxy far far away [yes, i do teach my kids the important things in life] [7yo makes grand sweeping motions like the galaxy, then points far away], there were a bunch of people who didn’t do much of anything at all [7yo shrugs] and eventually they all died of boredomitis [7yo drops on the floor].

me [trying not to crack up]:  everyone dies?  that still kinda sucks.  [7yo again agrees]

10yo:  fine. so they all came back to life as kickboxing zombies and got rid of all the bad guys.  [7yo jumps up and does karate moves with a weird look on her face]  the end.

me: [drops head down and laughs so hard i nearly cry into the cookie batter]

at my house, my lil pony….is weird and disturbing

the kids wanted me to play my lil pony with them the other day (we have several of them, including a few i can actually name).  they set it up with a pony car, some pony groceries and a grocery cart, and various other things.  the detailed background story that 10yo came up with for each pony was amazing.  after playing a pretty much normal game for a while, things turned to less standard fare.

the rest of the playing is impossible to recreate in words, and possibly should not be for public consumption.  suffice it to say that we segued into a song (the first song) called “i am a dodo (bird).” then there was soy riding (yes, soy) on another pony (don’t. ask.), which after a while led bizarrely into an adult pony (there were kid and baby ponies, of course) lying on the ground muttering they were a bitter adult with emotional issues, and eventually to numerous accusations that certain ponies were making other ponies need therapy.  somewhere in the middle there was the poof song (which consists of saying poof a million times), and repeated statements through the entire game of “i like pie!”

i’m pretty sure that i now need therapy.

i do not think that means what you think it means

kids told to get ready for bed and to go brush their teeth.

10yo:  DIBS ON BRUSHING TEETH FIRST!!!!!

7yo: [laughs while grabbing the tooth brush and running around with it]

10yo:  I CALLED DIBS.  DIBS IS 9/10THS OF THE LAW!!!!!

me:  [falls off couch laughing]

and like a good neighbor….

7yo [striding on our elliptical]:  mama, do we have state farm?

me:….yes

7yo [singing]:  and like a good neighbor, state farm is there.   [looks around]

me [laughing]:  you realize that only works on tv – it’s not real.

7yo:  sure it is.  watch.  [sings] like a good neighbor, state farm is there.  [changes expression on her face and deepens her voice]  hello!

me:  [cracking up]