i think my kids are secretly reading shakespeare…and they’re boys

i wake up this morning.  the other side of the house is quiet – always a bad sign.  i go into 10yo’s room to find no kids, but a bare mattress that is suspiciously lumpy.  i proceed to sit on it, which of course causes squealing.

fast forward to 10 minutes later, i hear yelling from the room.  both are under the mattress but on top of the boxspring.

10yo:  she befouled my mattress!!!!!!!

me: ???

7yo [laughing hysterically]:  that means i passed gas on it.  [both crack up again]

me:…. [closes door and walks away pretending that these people aren’t related to me]

p.s.  did i mention that 7yo stole one of my lipsticks and put it on, but since she’s been playing, it is smeared all over her face and she looks like the joker or some other demented clown?  yeah, that too.

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chocolate and beavers: breakfast of champions

breakfast with 7yo.  7yo’s request for breakfast was a “breakfast sandwich.”  which consists of 2 slices of bread with hershey’s chocolate spread in it, cut with a sandwich shaper to look like hearts.  oh, and a babybel mozzarella cheese.  and yoohoo.

……

7yo:  mama, you know how much i love chocolate?  I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT.

me:  [laughs because i love chocolate too]

……

7yo:  look, i’m a beaver. a beaver that chews on wood.  not wood wood, but cheese wood. it’s a cheese wood block. i’m a beaver who eats cheese wood.  [proceeds to gnaw on cheese]  biting it from the side. [more gnawing]

…….

7yo [holding up gnawed cheese]:  look, it’s a bed. i’m gonna eat the bed and then i’ll be a monster.

me:  [thinking it’s waaaaay too early for this child]