When bitlife gives you lemons…

Has your teen asked you to play bitlife? if not, I would not recommend it.

My life, according to bitlife: conceived during high school lunch hour to an 18 yo mom and a 68 (!) yo make up artist. 98% looks but less than 50% brains. rejected from an electrician job (I had an information tech degree) because I didn’t have a car, and ended up a security guard. people hit on me – male, female, notably hobos and hookers! – throughout my life. I got married in my 50s, only to be divorced in my 80s for being bored in bed, and died of a stroke with only 9% of looks and brains left. the end.

have to tell you it was a relief to die. #wtfiswrongwiththisapp #howdepressing

When bitlife gives you lemons…

Has your teen asked you to play bitlife? if not, I would not recommend it.

My life, according to bitlife: conceived during high school lunch hour to an 18 yo mom and a 68 (!) yo make up artist. 98% looks but less than 50% brains. rejected from an electrician job (I had an information tech degree) because I didn’t have a car, and ended up a security guard. people hit on me – male, female, notably hobos and hookers! – throughout my life. I got married in my 50s, only to be divorced in my 80s for being bored in bed, and died of a stroke with only 9% of looks and brains left. the end.

have to tell you it was a relief to die. #wtfiswrongwiththisapp #howdepressing

wolfie the spider must die

so the kids are home alone today and they saw a “huge” spider before we left but we couldn’t locate it. after apparently extensively googling it in a panic, 13yo swore it was a brown recluse (poisonous) but Daddy said it’s probably a wolf spider.

fast forward to now when I’m getting texts about wolfie. apparently they found him near their bathroom again. 10yo texts that they have found it. twice. then texts that 13yo is going to spray it.

radio silence.

10yo finally texts me that 13yo sprayed it and IT DISAPPEARED!! general chaos and terror ensues when they cannot locate it. i tell 10yo to tell her sister to go on the other side of the house. after a pause, i am informed the 13yo is crying and ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE and she won’t come down. after talking to her on the phone, she says she is more on the counter but won’t come off until wolfie is dead. apparently Daddy had been called to come kill wolfie in on his lunch break. that’s what hubbies are good for. 😁

stay tuned for wolfie termination….

tacoland

so last Thursday i took 10yo to dentist to have some extractions. she was not happy about this – until they have her nitrous and then, according to her, she slept with her eyes open.

conversation on the way home:

10yo (mumbling bc mouth half asleep from novocaine): i wanna to go to Tacoland.

me: Taco Del Mar?

10yo: no, Tacoland

me: Taco Bell?

10yo: no, Tacoland

me: there is no such thing as Tacoland

10yo: I’m Tacoland!!! I’m a taco! in Tacoland! *giggling *

me: [laughing so hard i nearly lost control of car] a taco in Tacoland

10yo: yes. did someone put a giant marshmallow into my face? i feel like someone put a giant marshmallow on my face

me: [snickering] yes

10yo: yay. *giggling *

maybe they gave her too much nitrous?? lol. shame i couldn’t video since i was driving.

today Daddy gets to take BOTH of them to get extractions. Lawd help him. hahahaha

the one where there is a big scary bug UPDATED

about an hour before work ends, I get this text:


me (at work):   *dies laughing*

[co-workers look at me like I’m nuts] 

me (texting back):  is it A flying bug? (yes). where was it? (In the main room) Well, lock yourself in the hallway. I’m sure you won’t starve before I get home. [note: i work  quite a ways from where they are]

them:  ok don’t freak out though. we’re fine 

me: *contemplates how texting they’re   trapped without food equals fine*

UPDATE: came home, looked through the whole house, but couldn’t find any bug. so now we’re stuck with ongoing bug creepiness in the house until something turns up. *sigh*

hold me…..I’m scared.  but also kind of proud 

7yo and  10yo watching  mine craft videos on YouTube.

7yo:  I like watching this one. he kills justin beiber. [laughs evilly]

while she still frightens me, at least I taught her that he’s a worthless talentless punk.  go me.  

wtf??? go the f*ck to sleep, child 

went to go tell 11yo it was time for bed.  saw the light on in the bathroom.  knocked and opened the door to find 8yo washing her hands.  then the smell hits me.  nail. polish.  she didn’t want to go to sleep so she decided that the best thing to do was  go into the bathroom and paint her nails. then had to try to wash off the polish because she messed it up.   WTF child?!?!?  *exasperated*

why did i get her this game again?

10yo, in lieu of reading on her own, chose to read to me from some sort of  minecraft handbook.  i now know more than i ever – EVER – wanted to about zombie pigmen and the difference between wither skeletons and withers (hint:  number of heads). i’m seriously rethinking the whole kindle for the kids things. *headdesk*

hold me…..I’m scared.  but also kind of proud 

7yo and  10yo watching  mine craft videos on YouTube.

7yo:  I like watching this one. he kills justin beiber. [laughs evilly]

while she still frightens me, at least I taught her that he’s a worthless talentless punk.  go me.  

i’m blaming daddy…….and cats

apparently daddy watched cat videos on youtube with the kids when i wasn’t home, and there was one of a cat twerking to the “big fat butt” song (whatever that is).  so this is what i got at dinner.

7yo:  i think i’ll finish my dinner and go twerk in my room.

me: …….

thanks daddy.

7yo’s description of the school grounds on first day of school

we can walk from our neighborhood to the kids’ school.  after we get off the path, there is a fenced drainage area.  with all the rain, it is now completely grown over and the animals are loud as all get out.

7yo:  it looks like muck, smells like yuck, and sounds like frog.

my kids now have theme music

me:  it’s time for bed. turn off the tv in the playroom and go get ready.

them:  [all kinds of wailing and whining, then whispering and silence]

…..

them:  mama, look at us.  [each slowly crawls out of playroom looking sad with their heads down ]  slow, mournful song plays in the background.

me:  [stifling laughter]

a zazz zusser what?!?

7yo was reading me a dr. seuss book – the  abc’s or something.  there is some character narrating the story. on the last page (z) the narrator says it is  a zazz zusser zuss (or something close to that).  there is a picture of it.  it has long red hair.  

7yo: this is the guy who was telling the story.

me: you think that’s a guy? with that hair?

7yo:  yes. I KNOW  he is.

me:  how?

7yo:  I read it in another book…..don’t judge me.

me:…….bwahahahaha!

i think my kids are secretly reading shakespeare…and they’re boys

i wake up this morning.  the other side of the house is quiet – always a bad sign.  i go into 10yo’s room to find no kids, but a bare mattress that is suspiciously lumpy.  i proceed to sit on it, which of course causes squealing.

fast forward to 10 minutes later, i hear yelling from the room.  both are under the mattress but on top of the boxspring.

10yo:  she befouled my mattress!!!!!!!

me: ???

7yo [laughing hysterically]:  that means i passed gas on it.  [both crack up again]

me:…. [closes door and walks away pretending that these people aren’t related to me]

p.s.  did i mention that 7yo stole one of my lipsticks and put it on, but since she’s been playing, it is smeared all over her face and she looks like the joker or some other demented clown?  yeah, that too.

chocolate and beavers: breakfast of champions

breakfast with 7yo.  7yo’s request for breakfast was a “breakfast sandwich.”  which consists of 2 slices of bread with hershey’s chocolate spread in it, cut with a sandwich shaper to look like hearts.  oh, and a babybel mozzarella cheese.  and yoohoo.

……

7yo:  mama, you know how much i love chocolate?  I KNOW IT WHEN I SEE IT.

me:  [laughs because i love chocolate too]

……

7yo:  look, i’m a beaver. a beaver that chews on wood.  not wood wood, but cheese wood. it’s a cheese wood block. i’m a beaver who eats cheese wood.  [proceeds to gnaw on cheese]  biting it from the side. [more gnawing]

…….

7yo [holding up gnawed cheese]:  look, it’s a bed. i’m gonna eat the bed and then i’ll be a monster.

me:  [thinking it’s waaaaay too early for this child]

lemonade stands that make you fall asleep…..

7yo:  i feel like…..lemonade.

me:  lemonade?

7yo:  yes, that means i feel cold.

me:…..so of all the ways to describe your being cold, you chose lemonade??

7yo:  actually, it means that i feel refreshing.

me [worried what this new turn might bring]:  refreshing…..

7yo:  which means that i’m sleepy.

me:  *gives up and proceeds to ignore child”

dinner with a side of  creepiness 

7yo [sniffing my arm]: I’m smelling your DNA [this sounds eerily familiar].  you smell like…. light bulbs.

me:….

7yo [turning to 10yo]: and you smell like….a cup.

10yo: [frowns] a paper,plastic, or Styrofoam cup?

7yo:  a metal cup.  actually a metal looking cup made out of…..flesh.

10yo:  [mouths help me]

me:  so much for keeping my dinner down 

never ask my kids to tell you a story

last night, while i was making cookies, 10yo decided she would tell 7yo and me a story.  it went something like this:

10yo:  once upon a time, there was nothing to say.  the end.

me:  um, that kinda sucked as a story.  [7yo agreed]

10yo:  fine.  i’ll do it again.

after about 3 more tries where the story gets marginally longer but still manages to say nothing, 10yo enlists the help of 7yo to act out this story.

10yo:  once upon a time [7yo points to wrist like a watch], in a galaxy far far away [yes, i do teach my kids the important things in life] [7yo makes grand sweeping motions like the galaxy, then points far away], there were a bunch of people who didn’t do much of anything at all [7yo shrugs] and eventually they all died of boredomitis [7yo drops on the floor].

me [trying not to crack up]:  everyone dies?  that still kinda sucks.  [7yo again agrees]

10yo:  fine. so they all came back to life as kickboxing zombies and got rid of all the bad guys.  [7yo jumps up and does karate moves with a weird look on her face]  the end.

me: [drops head down and laughs so hard i nearly cry into the cookie batter]

at my house, my lil pony….is weird and disturbing

the kids wanted me to play my lil pony with them the other day (we have several of them, including a few i can actually name).  they set it up with a pony car, some pony groceries and a grocery cart, and various other things.  the detailed background story that 10yo came up with for each pony was amazing.  after playing a pretty much normal game for a while, things turned to less standard fare.

the rest of the playing is impossible to recreate in words, and possibly should not be for public consumption.  suffice it to say that we segued into a song (the first song) called “i am a dodo (bird).” then there was soy riding (yes, soy) on another pony (don’t. ask.), which after a while led bizarrely into an adult pony (there were kid and baby ponies, of course) lying on the ground muttering they were a bitter adult with emotional issues, and eventually to numerous accusations that certain ponies were making other ponies need therapy.  somewhere in the middle there was the poof song (which consists of saying poof a million times), and repeated statements through the entire game of “i like pie!”

i’m pretty sure that i now need therapy.

i do not think that means what you think it means

kids told to get ready for bed and to go brush their teeth.

10yo:  DIBS ON BRUSHING TEETH FIRST!!!!!

7yo: [laughs while grabbing the tooth brush and running around with it]

10yo:  I CALLED DIBS.  DIBS IS 9/10THS OF THE LAW!!!!!

me:  [falls off couch laughing]

and like a good neighbor….

7yo [striding on our elliptical]:  mama, do we have state farm?

me:….yes

7yo [singing]:  and like a good neighbor, state farm is there.   [looks around]

me [laughing]:  you realize that only works on tv – it’s not real.

7yo:  sure it is.  watch.  [sings] like a good neighbor, state farm is there.  [changes expression on her face and deepens her voice]  hello!

me:  [cracking up]

and a very good morning to you too

i go in to wake up 7yo this morning.

7yo:  mama, i know what i want for my birthday [many months from now] or Christmas.

me:  [half asleep] great, what would that be?

7yo:  a zippy bag.

me: ??

7yo:  i’d put in on my bed and i’d put my blanket underneath it and be warm and i could unzip this side and unzip that side. no, just this side.  and you know it’s so awesome that if you spill something on it like food or chocolate [mind you, this is apparently something that goes on a bed], it’s…….[huge smile] MACHINE WASHABLE FLEECE!!!!

me:  my life is complete.  get up.

way to make an exit

me [to 7yo]: it’s bedtime.

7yo:  I WILL NOW LEAVE THE ROOM IN AN EXTREMELY WEIRD WAY.  [wiggles, hops, jumps, spins, dances, tumbles out the door with a bizarre look on her face]

whereupon daddy and i look at each other, shake our heads and start laughing.

i’m a single mother of two kids and a zombie, apparently

i walk in the door coming home from work.  7yo runs up to me to say hello.

daddy:  did you tell mama about me?

7yo:  daddy has a bandage on his arm. he says he was bitten by a zombie and now he’s going to turn into a zombie. and when he’s tired, he wants to eat brains.  [giving daddy very skeptical look]

daddy:  and i’m coming for you later, tasty brain girl.  [7yo screams and hides behind me, pretending to shake with fear]

me: so glad i came home. [contemplates going back to work]

 

seriously, single mother of three here *sigh*

daddy and kids making a ton of noise in the other room.

me [looking at clock]:  it’s past time to get ready for bed!!  let’s go!

10yo [skipping into the room]:  sorry, mama.  daddy was teaching me how to shoot off people’s heads. (playing a weird, creepy xbox game, not IRL people)

me:……so glad daddy is teaching you the important things in life.  *sigh*

oh the thinks you can think pt 2

so we get to the part where the book asks how much water would 55 elephants drink.

7yo:  if it was 264 elephants, they would drink all the oceans.  it would take maybe a week. [smiles and nods head yes vigorously]

me: okaay

7yo:  but they’d spit the fish out.  like this. [makes noise like she is hocking up a loogie, then a ptui sound]

me: [drops head on table]

oh the thinks you can think pt 1

7yo is reading this dr. seuss book to me.  she gets to the part about the floating pool.

me:  i think that would be totally cool.

7yo [making a horrified face]:  NOT IF IT IS RAINING RABID DINGOS!!!!!

me:…

7yo:…

me:  you frighten me.

7yo: [laughs uncontrollably]

there is absolutely no off button for her mouth….

still at dinner.  7yo lies down on her bench seat, then pops up saying “stick to the script” about 15 times.

me:  is there an off button for your mouth?

7yo:  no, there isn’t.  [points to one side of mouth] this is the louder button.  [points to bottom of mouth] this is the speed up button.  [points to  top left of mouth]  this is the off button.  [points to other side of mouth] this is the talk really fast button.  so i’m going to cover up the off button so you can’t press it.  actually i’m going to rip it off so you can’t press it.  [proceeds to practically pull her lips off making horrible sound]  there!

leaning tower of pancakes

7yo [pointing at pic on menu]: is this like a building that would be in ancient rome?
me: yes,  that’s the leaning tower of pisa.
7yo: the leaning tower of pisa?  if the leaning tower of pancakes was real,  people would eat it and it would fall over.  nom nom nom. [big grin]
me: *blinks*

little man hands?

in the car on the way to dinner:

9yo: ouch.  i hit my head on the window.
daddy: well, try not to do that anymore. you might hurt the van.
9yo: are you saying my head is a ton of bricks?
daddy and me: yes
9yo: ooh you’re gonna get it.
daddy:  but are you going to give it to us?
9yo: that’s it.  I’m gonna strangle you with my little man hands!!
daddy and me: ?????

i think i need to worry about what daddy is teaching them when i’m not home

came home from work and walked in on kids having dinner. i have no idea what they were talking about, but this is what i heard:

9yo [to 7yo, with emphasis]:  exactly.  YOU are a WOMAN of MANY changes.

i really need to get home earlier because i’m starting to worry what daddy is teaching them while i’m away.