wolfie the spider must die

so the kids are home alone today and they saw a “huge” spider before we left but we couldn’t locate it. after apparently extensively googling it in a panic, 13yo swore it was a brown recluse (poisonous) but Daddy said it’s probably a wolf spider.

fast forward to now when I’m getting texts about wolfie. apparently they found him near their bathroom again. 10yo texts that they have found it. twice. then texts that 13yo is going to spray it.

radio silence.

10yo finally texts me that 13yo sprayed it and IT DISAPPEARED!! general chaos and terror ensues when they cannot locate it. i tell 10yo to tell her sister to go on the other side of the house. after a pause, i am informed the 13yo is crying and ON TOP OF THE FRIDGE and she won’t come down. after talking to her on the phone, she says she is more on the counter but won’t come off until wolfie is dead. apparently Daddy had been called to come kill wolfie in on his lunch break. that’s what hubbies are good for. ūüėĀ

stay tuned for wolfie termination….

tacoland

so last Thursday i took 10yo to dentist to have some extractions. she was not happy about this – until they have her nitrous and then, according to her, she slept with her eyes open.

conversation on the way home:

10yo (mumbling bc mouth half asleep from novocaine): i wanna to go to Tacoland.

me: Taco Del Mar?

10yo: no, Tacoland

me: Taco Bell?

10yo: no, Tacoland

me: there is no such thing as Tacoland

10yo: I’m Tacoland!!! I’m a taco! in Tacoland! *giggling *

me: [laughing so hard i nearly lost control of car] a taco in Tacoland

10yo: yes. did someone put a giant marshmallow into my face? i feel like someone put a giant marshmallow on my face

me: [snickering] yes

10yo: yay. *giggling *

maybe they gave her too much nitrous?? lol. shame i couldn’t video since i was driving.

today Daddy gets to take BOTH of them to get extractions. Lawd help him. hahahaha

the one where there is a big scary bug UPDATED

about an hour before work ends, I get this text:


me (at work):   *dies laughing*

[co-workers look at me like I’m nuts] 

me (texting back):  is it A flying bug? (yes). where was it? (In the main room) Well, lock yourself in the hallway. I’m sure you won’t starve before I get home. [note: i work  quite a ways from where they are]

them:  ok don’t freak out though. we’re fine 

me: *contemplates how texting they’re   trapped without food equals fine*

UPDATE: came home, looked through the whole house, but couldn’t find any bug. so now we’re stuck with ongoing bug creepiness in the house until something turns up. *sigh*

wtf??? go the f*ck to sleep, child 

went to go tell 11yo it was time for bed.  saw the light on in the bathroom.  knocked and opened the door to find 8yo washing her hands.  then the smell hits me.  nail. polish.  she didn’t want to go to sleep so she decided that the best thing to do was  go into the bathroom and paint her nails. then had to try to wash off the polish because she messed it up.   WTF child?!?!?  *exasperated*

dinner with a side of  creepiness 

7yo [sniffing my arm]: I’m smelling your DNA [this sounds eerily familiar].  you smell like…. light bulbs.

me:….

7yo [turning to 10yo]: and you smell like….a cup.

10yo: [frowns] a paper,plastic, or Styrofoam cup?

7yo:  a metal cup.  actually a metal looking cup made out of…..flesh.

10yo:  [mouths help me]

me:  so much for keeping my dinner down 

way to make an exit

me [to 7yo]: it’s bedtime.

7yo:  I WILL NOW LEAVE THE ROOM IN AN EXTREMELY WEIRD WAY.  [wiggles, hops, jumps, spins, dances, tumbles out the door with a bizarre look on her face]

whereupon daddy and i look at each other, shake our heads and start laughing.

i blame daddy

i come out of the bathroom.  both kids are snickering. i look around suspiciously but see nothing.  9yo whispers to 7yo and tries to get her to tell me something.  7yo refuses.

9yo:  7yo said you said she could use your labeler.

me: um, no, i didn’t. ¬†[narrows eyes at them] ¬†what did you do?

9yo: well, we made some labels….. [laughing behind her hand]

7yo: ¬†i typed in “bum” and made a label to stick on my bum!!! ¬†[giggling crazily and turning around to show me her bum]

9yo: ¬†and then we typed in poopy and pee……. ¬†[cracking up and showing me labels]

me:  stop. just stop. now.  [drops head sadly]

this is clearly daddy’s fault, as they KNOW i don’t want to hear about bums or toilets or whatever. ¬†maybe i should just be happy they are organizing?

um, what? new year’s eve edition

daddy is setting off mortars in the backyard.   we hear sirens in the distance.

daddy: that’s it,  they’re coming to get us.

kids: [squeals]

daddy: yeah, because they will never guess where that noise came from.

9yo [putting hands on 7yo’s head]:  that’s what the cheese said.

daddy and me: ????

7yo: the cheese attacks! [growls]

daddy and me: [shaking heads sadly]

so glad we’re raising them right…

the other day…

daddy: ¬†we’re going to take all the coins in these cups and put them in one of those coin counting machines so we can put them in your bank accounts. ¬†sound like a plan?

9yo:  need to turn them into paper money cuz i got to get those dollars, yo

daddy:….

this is why i’m afraid to go to sleep at night

when going in to tidy up the kids’ bathroom before bed, daddy noticed that 7yo had written this on the bathroom wall:

20141213_115346

[read: Darkness riseing over us and the city. “ahaha”hahahaha!]

when asked about it and where it came from (we were hoping from a show or book), she said she just thought it up and giggled hysterically.

hold me. ¬†i’m afraid.

i knew i was gonna regret this

ok, so i broke down and got one of those creepy elf on the shelf things. ¬†seriously, these things are disturbing looking. but they kids wanted one, so…yeah.

flipped thru a million elf ideas then decided on the elf hiding in the laundry room, roasting a marshmallow over a tea light candle with marshmallows scattered all over the place.  apparently it was a success, as the kids were thrilled that they found him and totally loved what he was doing.  (yay me)

my first regret over the stupid effin elf:  the kids came and loudly expressed this thrill and excitement to us AT 6:37 THIS MORNING (sunday), scaring the crap out of us.

how many more days til the freaky little shit can go away again?

and on the way home…. more bums

on the way home from holiday lighting, kids are in the back seat. ¬†they have 2 blue glow necklaces and they hooked them together so they have one large circle. ¬†i am thinking they are so cute, posing their heads together and saying it’s a picture frame. ¬†then they decide to play harry potter, and the circle is the entrance to gryffindor common room, and 9yo is the fat lady. and i’m thinking how creative they are and still so cute. ¬†and then…

9yo: ¬†i am the the fat lady. ¬†my name is….mrs. buttsky.

me: um, no.

6yo [laughing]: ¬†and my password is….pikachubums!

daddy and me:  NO.  JUST.  NO.

so much for cute and creative.

i’m either an idiot or a masochist

out eating lunch with the kids.
9yo: this is so delicious.
6yo: did it take your mouth on a flavor journey like mine did?
me: ….where do you get this stuff?!?
6yo: teen titan go.
me: remind me again why i let you watch that show.
9yo: because it is entertaining and it gives us stuff to weird you out.
me: right

please make it stop

on drive home from class field trip
9yo: if my bum could talk,  it would say thank you for reclining my seat.
me: what?!?
9yo: my bum is comfy cozy
me: …
9yo: so if it could talk,  it would say thank you.
me: [shakes head] i suppose if your bum were able to listen,  i would say you’re welcome.
9yo: [cracks up]
me: you are both bum-obsessed. no wonder mimi and papa think there’s something wrong with you.  i blame daddy.

smh

watching a football game between fordham and bucknell.

6yo: ¬†how do you pronounce the one that isn’t bucknell?

me:  fordum.

6yo:  it has one of my favorite foods besides turkey!

me [confused because she rarely eats ham or turkey]: ?

6yo: ¬†one of my favorite foods besides turkey meat……and some others.

me:  right [smh]

um, what? take 2

6yo [reading off placemat]: name a movie with a princess or animal as the star.
9yo: lady and the tramp.  that has both.
6yo: i know.  the eyeball movie!
me: the what??
6yo [giggling like a maniac]: it’s where a boy eyeball and girl eyeball meet and fall in love.  they kiss by….. blinking. [spends next 5 minutes laughing and trying to see her eyes look at each other]
me: *head on the table*

and I will name him george

9yo’s teacher gave them the link to a website where they sell hedgehogs. she wants a pet desperately.
9yo: and look,  the one I want is older,  with a shy temperament which is perfect for me, and *only* $125!
daddy: hedgehogs scratch,  bite,  claw. they’re vicious little creatures. you can’t even pet them because of their spines – they will rip your hands to bloody shreds!!!
9yo: [pauses] that just makes me more determined to get one.
daddy and me: [dying laughing]

so how is your night going?

soooo daddy bought a hockey mask a la Jason and was just chasing the kids around the house.  my head and eardrums are completely traumatized by the shrieking.

9yo was running away, but 6yo is standing there shrieking without moving.

daddy: ¬†she would be the one in that commercial about the bad decisions who would run and hide behind the chainsaws…..

me:  [dying laughing]

kill me now – bedtime edition

6yo [calling out from her bed where she is reading before going to sleep]: ¬†mamaaaaaa, ¬†i haaaave a neeeww waaay of tellinggggg you whennn i’m done reeeeading. ¬†[voice inflecting up and down] ¬†it invooolves making weeeird noisesssss.

me:  um, no.

6yo:  too late!  i already signed the contract giving me the right to do it!  [laughing loudly]

me [muttering to myself]: ¬†damn soulsucker genes….

bedtime for bozos

this was my putting the kids to bed tonight:

9yo [singing]: ¬†tractor! ¬†gonna see a chiropractor! ¬†he’s gonna fix my backtor! ¬†[dies laughing and rolling around on the bed]

[sidenote:  clearly i need to rethink letting them watch the fairly oddparents]

6yo [as i tell her to get off the covers and under them]:  booty up in the air! booty down on the ground!  booty booty all around!  [dissolves into giggling fit]

me:  *sigh*

smh

6yo:  mama, i want to tell you something that happened on the playground that you will want to know about.

me [wary since she often tells me things i so do not want to know about]:  will i really want to know about this?

6yo:  yes, you will.

me:  are you sure??

6yo:  yes!

me [sighing]:  okay, what?

6yo:  there was a dead squirrel on the ground and one of the kids touched it.

9yo:  and now they have cooties. or rabies!!!!

me: ¬†…that is exactly the kind of thing I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! ¬†especially while i’m eating dinner.

6yo [giggling]:  how am i supposed to know that?

me:  [drops head onto table]

that’s just not right

daddy nicknamed the 6yo varmint when she was about 6 months old. ¬†she has totally lived up to this name. ¬†however, recently he decided that she has a new nickname……wait for it…… honey badger. ¬†as in honey badger don’t give a shit. ¬†bwahahahaha ¬†yes, it’s totally not right. ¬†but it’s probably pretty accurate at this stage.