whose child is this???

6yo [lying on the floor with her legs up over her head]:  i have a new friend on my bum.  johnny applebum.

me:….

6yo:  he keeps my bum from getting hurt when i land….or sit….or fall….

me: [shaking head sadly]

6yo:  it’s number 34 on the list of weird things i do.

me:….that list is much much longer than 34.

6yo:  134?

me:  nope.

6yo:  8,234?

me:  closer.

in case you didn’t know

in the car with the kids and my sister in law, driving home in the pouring rain after running through a monsoon to leave the suspended (and later “terminated”) game.  

drenched 6yo in the back seat:  i know how hail is made. [note:  we weren’t talking about hail] it’s when thunder and rain combine together.  also, lightning and rain can combine too.  they make little ice pieces.  

me: …

6yo:  i know it seems like that couldn’t happen, but that’s how it happens.  thunder or lightning combine with rain. or both of them.

me: ummm, yeah, good to know.

6yo:  i’ve always known that.  ever since i was five years old.  ever since my 6th birthday.

me:  *smh*

I just want to pee in peace

6yo: [knocks on door to the bathroom I am in and then walks in] hi.

me: yes?

6yo: [turns around,  shows me her bum and scratches it]

me: *sigh* go away.

6yo: [repeats actions]

me: I don’t want to see you scratch your bum. Get out. [smacks her bum]

6yo: no, not until you say butt.

me: no.  go away.

6yo: yes!

me: no.  get out.

6yo: yes.

me: NO.  get.  out.

6yo: [huff at me then storms out of the bathroom,  slamming the door]

me: [shaking head, but thinking] I win

Christmas eve at our house

both kids were [oddly] dressed for Christmas eve service 2 hours early.  of course they were both wearing short sleeve dresses and open shoes, and of course for once it’s like 40 degrees outside. but whatever.

6yo:  we’re leaving in 7 minutes.

daddy:  no, we’re leaving at 7. the service is at 8.

[5 minutes later]  6yo:  we’re leaving in 8 minutes.

daddy:  no, we’re not! we’re leaving at 7!!

6yo: [10 minutes later]  we’re leaving in…

daddy:  WE’RE NOT LEAVING FOR AN HOUR.  STOP IT!

8yo:  you do realize that the 8 pm service won’t be over until 10.

me:  maybe.

8yo:  well that’s too late!!

me:  …coming from the child who constantly wants to stay up until midnight?!?

8yo:  10 pm is too late.  I NEED MY BEAUTY REST!!!

me:  [cracking up]  um, yeah.

we made it through the service without 8yo asking once when it was over.  however, 6yo repeated that she was bored about 15 times in the last 45 minutes and did her dead level best to set her finger on fire with the candle for candlelight vigil.  [sigh]

MERRY CHRISTMAS Y’ALL!

 

whyyyyyy

8yo: [on way to bathroom] you know, i don’t understand why men use yourEENals instead of just sitting down like us.

me: huh?

8yo:  you know, yourEENals. they use them standing up instead of sitting down.  and they don’t even flush, they have a drain.

me: [light bulb goes on;  starts laughing] you mean urinals. [thinking wtf are we discussing urinals for??????]

8yo:  i can’t say that correctly. i mean, if they don’t flush, there could be serious consequences. serious problems.

me:  [still laughing] uh, it’s easier and quicker for them to do things standing up.

8yo:  [thinks about this] hmm

me: [praying that we don’t have to discuss WHY and this conversation can end]…..

8yo:  [walks away]

me:  [sags in relief and goes back to eating breakfast]

um, what?

6yo [yes, she’s 6 now!!!! sniff]:  [putting beaded necklace on her teeth]   look, i have braces!!

daddy and me:  [laughing]

6yo:  the fun never stops when you have braces!!!!!

me:  ?

8yo:  “the fun never stops when you have braces.”  that’s an inspiring campaign slogan!!

me:  [takes more aspirin]

20131208_170830

5yo: [talking really loudly]

daddy: you need to keep it down. 

5yo: but when you talk loudly….

daddy: yes, but I’m allowed. I’m a grown up.

8yo: yeah, kids gotta learn to keep the volume down. unfortunately I’ve been hearing lectures about that for EIGHT YEARS.

daddy: unfortunately, we’ve needed to give those lectures for 8 years.

8yo: [rolls eyes]

boom

5yo:  i know something that’s made up.  there are some people who say lightning is caused by the lightning queen, that she uses it to zap angels who are good — like us — and that’s why it’s FAKE. and the thunder queen makes thunder, and the rain queen makes rain. and boys think – here’s what boys think.  boys think that thunder is made by the thunder KING, and rain is made by the rain king, and that……all the weather things are made by kings. and that’s wrong.  and that there are princesses and princes and kings and queens, and that’s why it’s fake, and they know that, and that’s why they forgot. [big smile]

me [having just woken up]:  [brain explodes]

it takes a….barn?

5yo:  mama!  i know all the names of all the baby animals!!

me: that’s great!  so, what is the name of a baby goat?

5yo:  ummmm…..i’m not sure.

mama:  [trying not to give her the answers] maybe it’s a..cub?

5yo:  no, that’s a baby bear.

me:  right!  but maybe it is also a cub?

5yo:  no. it is not.

me: i actually think it is called a kid.

5yo:  mooooom!  a baby goat is NOT a kid.  I am what is known as a kid!!! [fairly rolls eyes at my stupidity]

me: [trying hard not to laugh] oh, ok, i’m sorry.  what about a lion?

5yo:  a baby lion is a….wildcat.

me: uh huh.  a tiger?

5yo:  that’s a pup.  like a baby dog. but a baby tiger.

me:  got it.  how about a bird?

5yo:  that’s a bird-y.  like a bird, with an ee on the end.

me:  [stifling a laugh] and a fish?

5yo:  a fish-y. [big smile]

me:  and a monkey?

5yo:  a monk.  it’s a strange sounding word, i know, but that’s what it’s called.

me:  gotcha.

morning at my house

daddy pretends to bite 8yo’s arm.

8yo:  don’t bite my blubber!!!

daddy and me:  [falling on the floor laughing]

5yo:  she has blubber because she is a whale because she is loud like a whale.  whale’s go aaaaaoooooohhhhh when they talk.

me:  ….

i was laughing too hard to hear the part that followed, but it devolved into this:

8yo:  i’m blubberman and i shoot blubber out of my…..toe.

5yo:  i’m webgirl [??? don’t ask – i don’t know where the web came from] and i shoot webs out of my belly button!!

both take off running around the house with one arm in front, like superman.  LOL

oh yeah

sent 5yo in her room to get her night clothes on.  this is what we hear:

5yo:  i’m gonna go in my room and THROW off my robe!  i’m naked – oh yeah [in sing songy voice].

me and daddy:  [cracking up]

5yo:  [making a song out of it]  i’m naked – oh yeah. oh yeah. oh yeah.

 

in case you were wondering how it sounded…..

tmi

8yo and 5yo attack me when i get up.

8yo:  pretend you are going to wipe your messy face on her.  [both move toward me, and yes, they had been eating oreos – nuff said]

this goes on with them attacking me and me repelling them for several minutes.

8yo:  we’re gonna wipe the oreo mess all over your shirt!

5yo: i’m not wearing underwear!!!

me:  *smh*

snort

driving out in the boonies, we pass a field with a group of trees in it.

daddy:  there is a cow hiding in those trees.

8yo:  there so is not.

driving on, we pass another field with a large shade tree in it.  this time there is clearly a cow laying under the tree.

daddy:  there’s a cow laying in the shade under that tree.

8yo:  daddy is right, for once in his life.

me:  *snort*

tmi

8yo and 5yo attack me when i get up.

8yo:  pretend you are going to wipe your messy face on her.  [both move toward me, and yes, they had been eating oreos – nuff said]

this goes on with them attacking me and me repelling them for several minutes.

8yo:  we’re gonna wipe the oreo mess all over your shirt!

5yo: i’m not wearing underwear!!!

me:  *smh*

single mother of three, with video games

daddy is playing borderlands 2 on the xbox while the kids watch.  5yo is cheering him on when he kills things. yay?

8yo tells him he should do a particular action to get past the next level/mission/whatever (can you tell i don’t play xbox?).  daddy says no, he has been working on this for several days and he will figure it out.

after trying numerous more times and 8yo telling him he should do what she says, he finally does do what she says….and makes it to the next whatever.  8yo is all “i told you so daddy.  daddy is pouting and grumpy now.  LMAO

finger twister

5yo trying to fit her fingers together to make a shape.

me:  what are you doing??

5yo:  making a turtle. [getting fingers twisted up.  holds up one finger at me.]  WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE.

me: [laughing]  i will wait JUST ONE MINUTE.

everybody cracks up.

btw, she never did figure out the turtle thing, but managed to put one hand on top of the other so it looked like a spider riding on another spider’s back.

in case you were wondering…

…how grocery shopping went today.  walking with the kids:

5yo:  we are smelling the smell of your purse.  it’s very sniffy.

8yo:  we follow you by smelling you. and your purse.  

then they proceed to follow me around, both directly behind me with their noses ON my purse, giggling while stepping on the backs of my feet.  repeatedly.  people in the store staring at us like we are from mars or something.  

they then moved on to nibbling my purse…..  *sigh*