boom

kids ambush me as soon as i get home and ask me to play a game they made up:  cakery bakery(TM).  so one of them is supposed to make me a cake from like 3000 different options that they gave to me, and the other is supposed to entertain me with jokes.  9yo “bakes.”

6yo:  what is the difference between a jellyfish and a violin?

me [tired after work]:  one is a jellyfish and one is a violin…

6yo:  no, you can’t strum a jellyfish.

whereupon both kids pretend to be patrick from spongebob and grab a pretend jellyfish and strum him, laughing loudly.  clearly they watch too much tv.  bad. tv.

6yo:  what is the same between a tree and a dog?

me: they both have a bark?

6yo: NO, what is the difference between a tree and a dog?

me:  i don’t know.  one has leaves?

6yo:  NO, IT’S ABOUT THE DOG.

me:  it has fleas?

6yo:  no.  what is the difference between a fox and a dog?

me [wondering what happened to the answer to the tree/dog joke. what is this, like a game show where i get the wrong answer too many times and have to skip to the next? wtf? but then i think of one of their favorite songs]:  a dog says woof but we don’t know what the fox says? [laughing]

6yo:  NO, WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?!?

[both start singing ring ding ding ding ding….. and dancing and laughing hysterically]

6yo: want a banana split without the banana?

me:  [brain explodes]

boom

6yo [talking from back seat on way to library]: i love going to new libraries. it’s cool to go see new libraries. and new things. it’s cool to see new things.  too.  you know, even tho i like my booster seat with the back on, it’s okay with the back off too. i like it both ways.  i’ll make a decision by the time we get there about which way i want it to be.  because i have to make a decision.  the last time we had the back on was before we took it off was when we went down to see mimi and papa.  i still have red ink on my hands from drawing earlier. it didn’t come off.  look, there’s our gym.  do you like the ellipticals there?  you don’t like them there, do you?

my brain:  [boom]

boom

5yo:  i know something that’s made up.  there are some people who say lightning is caused by the lightning queen, that she uses it to zap angels who are good — like us — and that’s why it’s FAKE. and the thunder queen makes thunder, and the rain queen makes rain. and boys think – here’s what boys think.  boys think that thunder is made by the thunder KING, and rain is made by the rain king, and that……all the weather things are made by kings. and that’s wrong.  and that there are princesses and princes and kings and queens, and that’s why it’s fake, and they know that, and that’s why they forgot. [big smile]

me [having just woken up]:  [brain explodes]