kids ambush me as soon as i get home and ask me to play a game they made up:  cakery bakery(TM).  so one of them is supposed to make me a cake from like 3000 different options that they gave to me, and the other is supposed to entertain me with jokes.  9yo “bakes.”

6yo:  what is the difference between a jellyfish and a violin?

me [tired after work]:  one is a jellyfish and one is a violin…

6yo:  no, you can’t strum a jellyfish.

whereupon both kids pretend to be patrick from spongebob and grab a pretend jellyfish and strum him, laughing loudly.  clearly they watch too much tv.  bad. tv.

6yo:  what is the same between a tree and a dog?

me: they both have a bark?

6yo: NO, what is the difference between a tree and a dog?

me:  i don’t know.  one has leaves?


me:  it has fleas?

6yo:  no.  what is the difference between a fox and a dog?

me [wondering what happened to the answer to the tree/dog joke. what is this, like a game show where i get the wrong answer too many times and have to skip to the next? wtf? but then i think of one of their favorite songs]:  a dog says woof but we don’t know what the fox says? [laughing]


[both start singing ring ding ding ding ding….. and dancing and laughing hysterically]

6yo: want a banana split without the banana?

me:  [brain explodes]



4yo to me: pretend i was older. and pretend you and daddy aren’t married. and you…you are married to…..someone else. to….you don’t know their name, but you are married to someone else. and i’m going to marry daddy. tomorrow. so there has to be wedding cake. tomorrow.

then it takes a weird turn….

me: i am married to someone whose name i don’t know?

4yo: yes. you are. you are married to….Cohen (someone in her class). yes, Cohen.

me: i’m married to Cohen, a 5yr old?

4yo: yes. and i’m marrying daddy tomorrow. and we’ll have cake. and then we we will have babies. but that’s after the cake. and you’re marrying Cohen……the day after tomorrow. so our cake will be first, and then you have some the next day. and then we’ll have babies. and they will be hungry. and we’ll have food for them. they’ll eat the food and be happy.

me: o.O