apparently daddy watched cat videos on youtube with the kids when i wasn’t home, and there was one of a cat twerking to the “big fat butt” song (whatever that is). so this is what i got at dinner.
7yo: i think i’ll finish my dinner and go twerk in my room.
still at dinner. 7yo lies down on her bench seat, then pops up saying “stick to the script” about 15 times.
me: is there an off button for your mouth?
7yo: no, there isn’t. [points to one side of mouth] this is the louder button. [points to bottom of mouth] this is the speed up button. [points to top left of mouth] this is the off button. [points to other side of mouth] this is the talk really fast button. so i’m going to cover up the off button so you can’t press it. actually i’m going to rip it off so you can’t press it. [proceeds to practically pull her lips off making horrible sound] there!
came home from work and walked in on kids having dinner. i have no idea what they were talking about, but this is what i heard:
9yo [to 7yo, with emphasis]: exactly. YOU are a WOMAN of MANY changes.
i really need to get home earlier because i’m starting to worry what daddy is teaching them while i’m away.
driving home from dinner.
me: you two calm down back there.
9yo: we’re having our hourly mohawk talk.
9yo: today’s topic is how to keep your sibling from sabotaging your mohawk. tip #1: try not to let her strangle you…..
6yo: mama, i want to tell you something that happened on the playground that you will want to know about.
me [wary since she often tells me things i so do not want to know about]: will i really want to know about this?
6yo: yes, you will.
me: are you sure??
me [sighing]: okay, what?
6yo: there was a dead squirrel on the ground and one of the kids touched it.
9yo: and now they have cooties. or rabies!!!!
me: …that is exactly the kind of thing I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! especially while i’m eating dinner.
6yo [giggling]: how am i supposed to know that?
me: [drops head onto table]
just had a mama-daughter dinner. conversation consisted of discussion of the crimson chin, nega chin, the bronze knee cap, and cleft boy. WTF do they put in kids’ cartoons these days?!?
me [from the other room during dinner] to 5yo: what are you doing instead of eating?
5yo: sticking my bum in the air. *giggling hysterically*