i think my kids are secretly reading shakespeare…and they’re boys

i wake up this morning.  the other side of the house is quiet – always a bad sign.  i go into 10yo’s room to find no kids, but a bare mattress that is suspiciously lumpy.  i proceed to sit on it, which of course causes squealing.

fast forward to 10 minutes later, i hear yelling from the room.  both are under the mattress but on top of the boxspring.

10yo:  she befouled my mattress!!!!!!!

me: ???

7yo [laughing hysterically]:  that means i passed gas on it.  [both crack up again]

me:…. [closes door and walks away pretending that these people aren’t related to me]

p.s.  did i mention that 7yo stole one of my lipsticks and put it on, but since she’s been playing, it is smeared all over her face and she looks like the joker or some other demented clown?  yeah, that too.

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never ask my kids to tell you a story

last night, while i was making cookies, 10yo decided she would tell 7yo and me a story.  it went something like this:

10yo:  once upon a time, there was nothing to say.  the end.

me:  um, that kinda sucked as a story.  [7yo agreed]

10yo:  fine.  i’ll do it again.

after about 3 more tries where the story gets marginally longer but still manages to say nothing, 10yo enlists the help of 7yo to act out this story.

10yo:  once upon a time [7yo points to wrist like a watch], in a galaxy far far away [yes, i do teach my kids the important things in life] [7yo makes grand sweeping motions like the galaxy, then points far away], there were a bunch of people who didn’t do much of anything at all [7yo shrugs] and eventually they all died of boredomitis [7yo drops on the floor].

me [trying not to crack up]:  everyone dies?  that still kinda sucks.  [7yo again agrees]

10yo:  fine. so they all came back to life as kickboxing zombies and got rid of all the bad guys.  [7yo jumps up and does karate moves with a weird look on her face]  the end.

me: [drops head down and laughs so hard i nearly cry into the cookie batter]

way to make an exit

me [to 7yo]: it’s bedtime.

7yo:  I WILL NOW LEAVE THE ROOM IN AN EXTREMELY WEIRD WAY.  [wiggles, hops, jumps, spins, dances, tumbles out the door with a bizarre look on her face]

whereupon daddy and i look at each other, shake our heads and start laughing.

oh the thinks you can think pt 1

7yo is reading this dr. seuss book to me.  she gets to the part about the floating pool.

me:  i think that would be totally cool.

7yo [making a horrified face]:  NOT IF IT IS RAINING RABID DINGOS!!!!!

me:…

7yo:…

me:  you frighten me.

7yo: [laughs uncontrollably]

hold me, i’m frightened

while at disney…

6yo:  you know there are 8 dwarves.

me: no, i’m pretty sure there are only 7.

6yo:  no, there’s 8. the 8th one is named crazy and he runs around with a chainsaw like this. [holds arms up above head like wielding a chainsaw and makes a horrible face and yells.]

me [to daddy]:  can we leave her here? she’s starting to scare me.

um, what?

8yo [at dinner table, eating pizza]:  this pizza is great. it has crumbs on the bottom that you can like.

me:  um, what?

8yo:  little yellow crumbs on the bottom. i like to lick them off. [demonstrates the licking for me]

me:  you know you are weird, right?

8yo:  the crumbs like to visit my face.  they have this thing about my eyebrows.

me:….

8yo:  to avoid the crumby eyebrow thing, you have to eat quickly.

me:  um, yeah.  [shakes and hangs head]