i come out of the bathroom. both kids are snickering. i look around suspiciously but see nothing. 9yo whispers to 7yo and tries to get her to tell me something. 7yo refuses.
9yo: 7yo said you said she could use your labeler.
me: um, no, i didn’t. [narrows eyes at them] what did you do?
9yo: well, we made some labels….. [laughing behind her hand]
7yo: i typed in “bum” and made a label to stick on my bum!!! [giggling crazily and turning around to show me her bum]
9yo: and then we typed in poopy and pee……. [cracking up and showing me labels]
me: stop. just stop. now. [drops head sadly]
this is clearly daddy’s fault, as they KNOW i don’t want to hear about bums or toilets or whatever. maybe i should just be happy they are organizing?
this was my putting the kids to bed tonight:
9yo [singing]: tractor! gonna see a chiropractor! he’s gonna fix my backtor! [dies laughing and rolling around on the bed]
[sidenote: clearly i need to rethink letting them watch the fairly oddparents]
6yo [as i tell her to get off the covers and under them]: booty up in the air! booty down on the ground! booty booty all around! [dissolves into giggling fit]
6yo: mama, i want to tell you something that happened on the playground that you will want to know about.
me [wary since she often tells me things i so do not want to know about]: will i really want to know about this?
6yo: yes, you will.
me: are you sure??
me [sighing]: okay, what?
6yo: there was a dead squirrel on the ground and one of the kids touched it.
9yo: and now they have cooties. or rabies!!!!
me: …that is exactly the kind of thing I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! especially while i’m eating dinner.
6yo [giggling]: how am i supposed to know that?
me: [drops head onto table]
…how grocery shopping went today. walking with the kids:
5yo: we are smelling the smell of your purse. it’s very sniffy.
8yo: we follow you by smelling you. and your purse.
then they proceed to follow me around, both directly behind me with their noses ON my purse, giggling while stepping on the backs of my feet. repeatedly. people in the store staring at us like we are from mars or something.
they then moved on to nibbling my purse….. *sigh*
5yo just got out of the shower. i told her to get dressed. then i hear from her room….
5yo: i’m shaking my butt, my butt, my butty butt bum. i’m shaking my booty butt, my booty wooty wooty. my bum bummy bum. i’m shaking my toot bum, my bottttooommmm. [giggling hysterically and running around in front of a mirror]
i’m laughing but that same time, she scares me. a. lot.
5yo: here’s a song my friends sang at school. hi ho the merry-o the farmer ate a cow. [giggling] why would the farmer eat a cow?? that’s silly. then he’d become a cow.
me [from the other room during dinner] to 5yo: what are you doing instead of eating?
5yo: sticking my bum in the air. *giggling hysterically*
4yo: mama, what color is an elephant with a bunny?
me: um, furry color?
me: the bunny and elephant are buttery colored??
4yo: yes, see the pancake…
me: wait a minute. pancake? where did a pancake come into this?
4yo: FROM THE BOOTY!!
whereupon 4yo and 7yo dissolve into hysterical giggles. that noise is my head exploding.
3yo directly in my face first thing in the morning: mama, i’m going to say “Nemo’s spoon” in franish – FRANISH. [loud giggling]