never ask my kids to tell you a story

last night, while i was making cookies, 10yo decided she would tell 7yo and me a story.  it went something like this:

10yo:  once upon a time, there was nothing to say.  the end.

me:  um, that kinda sucked as a story.  [7yo agreed]

10yo:  fine.  i’ll do it again.

after about 3 more tries where the story gets marginally longer but still manages to say nothing, 10yo enlists the help of 7yo to act out this story.

10yo:  once upon a time [7yo points to wrist like a watch], in a galaxy far far away [yes, i do teach my kids the important things in life] [7yo makes grand sweeping motions like the galaxy, then points far away], there were a bunch of people who didn’t do much of anything at all [7yo shrugs] and eventually they all died of boredomitis [7yo drops on the floor].

me [trying not to crack up]:  everyone dies?  that still kinda sucks.  [7yo again agrees]

10yo:  fine. so they all came back to life as kickboxing zombies and got rid of all the bad guys.  [7yo jumps up and does karate moves with a weird look on her face]  the end.

me: [drops head down and laughs so hard i nearly cry into the cookie batter]

oh the thinks you can think pt 2

so we get to the part where the book asks how much water would 55 elephants drink.

7yo:  if it was 264 elephants, they would drink all the oceans.  it would take maybe a week. [smiles and nods head yes vigorously]

me: okaay

7yo:  but they’d spit the fish out.  like this. [makes noise like she is hocking up a loogie, then a ptui sound]

me: [drops head on table]

so how is your night going?

soooo daddy bought a hockey mask a la Jason and was just chasing the kids around the house.  my head and eardrums are completely traumatized by the shrieking.

9yo was running away, but 6yo is standing there shrieking without moving.

daddy:  she would be the one in that commercial about the bad decisions who would run and hide behind the chainsaws…..

me:  [dying laughing]

whose child is this???

6yo [lying on the floor with her legs up over her head]:  i have a new friend on my bum.  johnny applebum.


6yo:  he keeps my bum from getting hurt when i land….or sit….or fall….

me: [shaking head sadly]

6yo:  it’s number 34 on the list of weird things i do.

me:….that list is much much longer than 34.

6yo:  134?

me:  nope.

6yo:  8,234?

me:  closer.

single mother of three

i woke up on saturday and walked out into the family room.  6yo is sitting on daddy’s lap and proudly announces:  mama, daddy taught me how to cut people in half with a chainsaw and i did it all by myself!!!!!  [huge smile and lots of giggles]

it takes me a minute to figure out that they are playing some godforsaken game on xbox. i then narrow my eyes at daddy and shake my head while exiting the room.

daddy is corrupting the kids

evidence that daddy is corrupting/co-opting 4yo: mama, why won’t you let daddy get a motorcycle??

then her imagination kicks in: pretend you said yes. mama, thank you for buying daddy and me a motorcycle!! we are riding on it, and we both have helmets on (yay for safety!). and you are walking with us.

me: walking? i’m not so fast with the walking on the bad ankle.

4yo: well, you will just have to walk faster to keep up. and daddy keeps falling off the motorcycle and hurting himself. so I will have to teach him how to ride it. so now i’m riding the motorcycle and daddy is walking with me. he is a fast walker….

me:  *head explodes*


4yo [getting out of the car at the grocery store]:  i am wearing orange. orange clothes and orange hair. i sprayed my hair orange. isn’t it pretty? actually, it’s rainbow. actually, pink. with a sparkly headband to match. so it’s sparkly. but the headband isn’t. my hair is. actually, it’s not. it’s just like a gray [headband] we saw at Kohl’s and i love it…….

me:  [head explodes]


4yo [on way to school, continued from the house]:  ….that’s ok, if the flower dies, they’ll just let us pick another one.  they won’t mind.  that tree is really really tall.  it needs to be flattened some.  otherwise it could fall on us.  i really don’t love bugs.  but they are nice.  Kyla killed a caterpillar once [have no idea who Kyla is]. it’s one of God’s creatures, but she didn’t know that.

my head:  [explodes]