i think my kids are secretly reading shakespeare…and they’re boys

i wake up this morning.  the other side of the house is quiet – always a bad sign.  i go into 10yo’s room to find no kids, but a bare mattress that is suspiciously lumpy.  i proceed to sit on it, which of course causes squealing.

fast forward to 10 minutes later, i hear yelling from the room.  both are under the mattress but on top of the boxspring.

10yo:  she befouled my mattress!!!!!!!

me: ???

7yo [laughing hysterically]:  that means i passed gas on it.  [both crack up again]

me:…. [closes door and walks away pretending that these people aren’t related to me]

p.s.  did i mention that 7yo stole one of my lipsticks and put it on, but since she’s been playing, it is smeared all over her face and she looks like the joker or some other demented clown?  yeah, that too.

this is why i’m afraid to go to sleep at night

when going in to tidy up the kids’ bathroom before bed, daddy noticed that 7yo had written this on the bathroom wall:

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[read: Darkness riseing over us and the city. “ahaha”hahahaha!]

when asked about it and where it came from (we were hoping from a show or book), she said she just thought it up and giggled hysterically.

hold me.  i’m afraid.