i think my kids are secretly reading shakespeare…and they’re boys

i wake up this morning.  the other side of the house is quiet – always a bad sign.  i go into 10yo’s room to find no kids, but a bare mattress that is suspiciously lumpy.  i proceed to sit on it, which of course causes squealing.

fast forward to 10 minutes later, i hear yelling from the room.  both are under the mattress but on top of the boxspring.

10yo:  she befouled my mattress!!!!!!!

me: ???

7yo [laughing hysterically]:  that means i passed gas on it.  [both crack up again]

me:…. [closes door and walks away pretending that these people aren’t related to me]

p.s.  did i mention that 7yo stole one of my lipsticks and put it on, but since she’s been playing, it is smeared all over her face and she looks like the joker or some other demented clown?  yeah, that too.

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and like a good neighbor….

7yo [striding on our elliptical]:  mama, do we have state farm?

me:….yes

7yo [singing]:  and like a good neighbor, state farm is there.   [looks around]

me [laughing]:  you realize that only works on tv – it’s not real.

7yo:  sure it is.  watch.  [sings] like a good neighbor, state farm is there.  [changes expression on her face and deepens her voice]  hello!

me:  [cracking up]

way to make an exit

me [to 7yo]: it’s bedtime.

7yo:  I WILL NOW LEAVE THE ROOM IN AN EXTREMELY WEIRD WAY.  [wiggles, hops, jumps, spins, dances, tumbles out the door with a bizarre look on her face]

whereupon daddy and i look at each other, shake our heads and start laughing.

i blame daddy

i come out of the bathroom.  both kids are snickering. i look around suspiciously but see nothing.  9yo whispers to 7yo and tries to get her to tell me something.  7yo refuses.

9yo:  7yo said you said she could use your labeler.

me: um, no, i didn’t.  [narrows eyes at them]  what did you do?

9yo: well, we made some labels….. [laughing behind her hand]

7yo:  i typed in “bum” and made a label to stick on my bum!!!  [giggling crazily and turning around to show me her bum]

9yo:  and then we typed in poopy and pee…….  [cracking up and showing me labels]

me:  stop. just stop. now.  [drops head sadly]

this is clearly daddy’s fault, as they KNOW i don’t want to hear about bums or toilets or whatever.  maybe i should just be happy they are organizing?

so how is your night going?

soooo daddy bought a hockey mask a la Jason and was just chasing the kids around the house.  my head and eardrums are completely traumatized by the shrieking.

9yo was running away, but 6yo is standing there shrieking without moving.

daddy:  she would be the one in that commercial about the bad decisions who would run and hide behind the chainsaws…..

me:  [dying laughing]

kill me now – bedtime edition

6yo [calling out from her bed where she is reading before going to sleep]:  mamaaaaaa,  i haaaave a neeeww waaay of tellinggggg you whennn i’m done reeeeading.  [voice inflecting up and down]  it invooolves making weeeird noisesssss.

me:  um, no.

6yo:  too late!  i already signed the contract giving me the right to do it!  [laughing loudly]

me [muttering to myself]:  damn soulsucker genes….