i think my kids are secretly reading shakespeare…and they’re boys

i wake up this morning.  the other side of the house is quiet – always a bad sign.  i go into 10yo’s room to find no kids, but a bare mattress that is suspiciously lumpy.  i proceed to sit on it, which of course causes squealing.

fast forward to 10 minutes later, i hear yelling from the room.  both are under the mattress but on top of the boxspring.

10yo:  she befouled my mattress!!!!!!!

me: ???

7yo [laughing hysterically]:  that means i passed gas on it.  [both crack up again]

me:…. [closes door and walks away pretending that these people aren’t related to me]

p.s.  did i mention that 7yo stole one of my lipsticks and put it on, but since she’s been playing, it is smeared all over her face and she looks like the joker or some other demented clown?  yeah, that too.

and welcome to my morning

currently as i try to eat breakfast, 10yo is up on the kitchen counter screaming because 7yo is crawling toward her in a bikini saying “revenge” over and over in a creepy way.  *sigh*

i knew i was gonna regret this

ok, so i broke down and got one of those creepy elf on the shelf things.  seriously, these things are disturbing looking. but they kids wanted one, so…yeah.

flipped thru a million elf ideas then decided on the elf hiding in the laundry room, roasting a marshmallow over a tea light candle with marshmallows scattered all over the place.  apparently it was a success, as the kids were thrilled that they found him and totally loved what he was doing.  (yay me)

my first regret over the stupid effin elf:  the kids came and loudly expressed this thrill and excitement to us AT 6:37 THIS MORNING (sunday), scaring the crap out of us.

how many more days til the freaky little shit can go away again?

and how is your morning?

so i get up and realize that my desk chair, where i sit to catch up on news in the morning, is gone.  9yo has co-opted it so that her stuffies can sit and watch her play a game on her computer.  there are like 10 other chairs in the house.  but somehow i was the bad guy when i asked for my chair back. *sigh*