me: it’s time for bed. turn off the tv in the playroom and go get ready.
them: [all kinds of wailing and whining, then whispering and silence]
them: mama, look at us. [each slowly crawls out of playroom looking sad with their heads down ] slow, mournful song plays in the background.
me: [stifling laughter]
7yo [striding on our elliptical]: mama, do we have state farm?
7yo [singing]: and like a good neighbor, state farm is there. [looks around]
me [laughing]: you realize that only works on tv – it’s not real.
7yo: sure it is. watch. [sings] like a good neighbor, state farm is there. [changes expression on her face and deepens her voice] hello!
me: [cracking up]
kids ambush me as soon as i get home and ask me to play a game they made up: cakery bakery(TM). so one of them is supposed to make me a cake from like 3000 different options that they gave to me, and the other is supposed to entertain me with jokes. 9yo “bakes.”
6yo: what is the difference between a jellyfish and a violin?
me [tired after work]: one is a jellyfish and one is a violin…
6yo: no, you can’t strum a jellyfish.
whereupon both kids pretend to be patrick from spongebob and grab a pretend jellyfish and strum him, laughing loudly. clearly they watch too much tv. bad. tv.
6yo: what is the same between a tree and a dog?
me: they both have a bark?
6yo: NO, what is the difference between a tree and a dog?
me: i don’t know. one has leaves?
6yo: NO, IT’S ABOUT THE DOG.
me: it has fleas?
6yo: no. what is the difference between a fox and a dog?
me [wondering what happened to the answer to the tree/dog joke. what is this, like a game show where i get the wrong answer too many times and have to skip to the next? wtf? but then i think of one of their favorite songs]: a dog says woof but we don’t know what the fox says? [laughing]
6yo: NO, WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?!?
[both start singing ring ding ding ding ding….. and dancing and laughing hysterically]
6yo: want a banana split without the banana?
me: [brain explodes]
i come home and go into the bathroom after i change. when i come out, there is a note on the floor in front of the door from 8yo asking if when i come out, we (and it specifies that by “we” it means her, 6yo and me) can have a wrestling match on my bed. there’s a box to check yes or no.
5 minutes later i am being attacked by both kids on the bed. 8yo makes up rules as she goes along, said rules always going to her benefit. this time it was no tickling, which is one of the few advantages i have when being attacked by both of them. naturally, i completely ignore this rule. in the middle of my tickle attack, 8yo yells: you may pull my spleen, my liver, and my guts out of my body, but i will never surrender!” WTF?? clearly i need to pay more attention to what they are watching on tv.
after the wrestling match was over (i won, of course – no one said moms can’t cheat), we try to get them ready for bed. which results in two half-naked girls running around with underwear on their head and their pjs tied around their bodies while squealing and riding scooters through the house. sigh. on the plus side, i grabbed the video camera and recorded them – GREAT blackmail material for when they are teenagers!!! 😀
8yo [yelling from other room]: oh, come on!!! seriously!!!
me [walking in there]: what is going on?
8yo [huffing]: i put the remote on the pillow and it keeps tumbling off. IT’S A PROBLEM, mama. i think it has tumble-of-the-bed-itis.
daddy: God forbid. what if you *gasp* lived in a time when you actually had to get up and go change the channel on the tv?????? THE HORROR
me: [trying not to laugh]
5yo is talking loudly to the tv, telling someone on some show not to be such a nincompoop. LOL
7yo is screaming from the other room that someone on wheel of fortune won a Sears shopping spree. thinking that we need to cut back on tv time.